The Essence of Pride: Exploring Pride Month with ISAIC FISP Instructor- Maeve Young

What does Pride Month mean to you personally? 

M: Honestly, June is just the sixth month of the year to me. Pride Month doesn’t have much meaning for me personally because as a millennial, I’m old enough to know about Stonewall, but too young to have any connection to it whatsoever. I’m old enough to know that Pride is more than rainbow stickers and flags, but young enough that most of my Pride experiences involve being marketed to. I don’t mean to be negative, though. Pride Month gives “the floor” to the LGBTQIA+ community. The news, Hollywood, the political climate, social media, and capital markets all signal to us where we (and our dollars) are and are not welcome. It signals to closeted queers that there are a LOT more safe spaces now in 2023 than there ever have been, even if the unsafe spaces grow progressively more dangerous. It is both a blessing and a burden to have the spotlight on us for a month. I try to keep my perspective realistic, and let my pride come from my character, connections with community, and impact. 

How do you identify? What are your pronouns? 

M: I am nonbinary and my pronouns are they/them.  

How would you define the term "queer" and "non-binary"? 

M: “Queer” is an excellent word in my opinion. It is a reclaimed word, as it was historically used as a slur against gay people, and we should not forget that. In order to understand and appreciate how “queer” can be a helpful word rather than a harmful one, let’s look to the dictionary: “differing in some way from usual or normal: odd, strange, weird. Eccentric, unconventional” (Merriam-Webster.com). Notice that none of this describes gender or sexuality outright – the word itself is genderless. So we can apply it to any part of the way we identify when we identify as differing in some way, or unconventional. Secondly, within this definition, it does not indicate that to be different is somehow negative or derogatory – it isn’t a moralizing word. While the use of it has been moralized, the etymology is not, and that’s the part we can reclaim. “Queer” doesn’t tell us what we are, it just says “I am different.” 

“Nonbinary” is more specific. If we take “woman and man” as the gender binary, the two-part system, then nonbinary seems to define something outside of that. But we can’t just define something by what it isn’t, so let’s look for an affirmative description. I’m taking inspiration here from the nonbinary pride flag:

The nonbinary pride flag has four horizontal stripes of equal width: yellow, white, purple, and black. A little color theory here: if we accept that the gender binary can be color-coded as “blue for boys, pink for girls,” then Purple would be some combination of these traits, and Yellow is has its own thing going on, independent of blue or pink. So Purple indicates nonbinary people who feel empowered by affirming both masculine and feminine characteristics, while Yellow indicates nonbinary people who feel separate from the binary, and whose expression is more original or independent of masculinity and femininity. Some may use the term “third gender,” but that is up to the individual.  

The White and Black stripes are informed by the science of light. White reflects all wavelengths of light, and black absorbs. So this is a metaphor for either embracing or foregoing gender as a concept itself! I admit this is a very abstract reading, but it’s important to give room for nonbinary people to identify themselves by abstraction, since ultimately many of the practical elements of our lives can’t be articulated any other way. Essentially, nonbinary is an invisible identity, a way of viewing the Self and navigating the world, not a set of visual characteristics that cue our roles in society. 

What advice would you give to people who want to become better allies? 

M: Allyship happens at many levels. Straight (as in sexuality) and cisgender (as in men and women) allies exist as individuals and as a group who can give support to the rest of us in many ways. 

At the individual level, be good friends to us. When a queer friend opens up about having a bad day, just be there as you would any other friend! There’s nothing particular about being a good friend to a nonbinary person, or a gay person, or a trans person. We face the same struggles, but sometimes more intensely. Rejection by family members is extremely common. Being misgendered, which is when someone intentionally or unintentionally uses the wrong pronouns or honorifics (sir, ma’am) to refer to someone, can be very painful. We are always being reminded that we don’t belong; let us belong as your friend. 

Pronouns are a small but important part of everyday communication that can make a big difference. We need to be inclusive of people for whom consciously using “they/them” in the singular is difficult in practice. English as a language is a maze of rules and exceptions, so our friends and community members who are learning English should be given grace. For native English speakers, I recognize that it can be confusing. Personally, my sense of security as a nonbinary person doesn’t come from pronouns, but also, I am not visibly othered. A transman deserves to be referred to with his pronouns, he/him. A transwoman deserves to be referred to with her pronouns, she/her. We can all give each other grace.  

It will be awkward, we each may fumble from time to time. I’m glad to introduce myself with my pronouns, but not everyone is ready to say so out loud. I don’t expect anyone come out before they’re ready. Here are some questions we can all practice: 

“How can I refer to you the best way?” 
“How do you like to be referred to?” 
“Is it correct for me to say [x]? How can I improve?” 

If you mess up, don’t panic, don’t overreact: 

“This is Taylor, and she is – excuse me, they are the managing contact for this project.” 

When you get corrected, don’t over-apologize, just thank them for the reminder and move along: 

“Thank you Jordan for your help! I knew you were the right man for the job.” 
“You’re welcome, but I’m the right woman, in this instance.” 
“Ah, of course. Thank you for the correction.” 

Yes, you’ll do better in the future, and no, you didn’t mean any harm. But normalizing this process, making it simple and not overwrought with awkwardness, is more inclusive than making overtures of allyship and performative apologies. 

At the community level, defend us. Spend your hard-earned money at our businesses. Donate your hard-earned money or time to organizations that benefit at-risk youth. Remain open to the possibility that you don’t have to understand us to support us.  

At the political level, recognize that we are under attack. While there is great social support for us, the laws do not reflect majority opinion in many cases. Florida just banned gender-affirming care for minors AND adults, meaning tens of thousands of trans Floridians have just lost the right to their healthcare and must either flee the state, resort to the black market for their hormones, or endure the pain and hardship of withdrawing from their life-saving medicine. The law also criminalizes health care providers, who must now either choose to break the law to care for their patients, or choose to abandon their patients to appease the state. There is strong, well-funded political momentum that seeks to exterminate us. It’s real. You can either be part of the solution or complacent.  

What does real inclusivity look like? 

M: Real inclusivity looks like private, accessible bathrooms. I’m not just talking about the sign on the door. It should be accessible for people who use wheelchairs, people who need their diapers changed, people who use insulin, etc. It’s safer for everyone involved when categories for bathroom activity are defined by accessibility, not by where one stands in relation to the toilet. 

Real inclusivity looks like employers recognizing a same-sex partner as eligible for spousal insurance policies. It looks like parental leave, not just maternal leave – men and nonbinary parents need time to connect with their children and support the other parent. It looks like bereavement benefits that would include chosen family as well as biological family. Many of us in the LGBTQIA+ community don’t have legal family relations on whom we can rely for safety and security, but maybe our roommate and best friend is our first call in any emergency. That should be honored.  

Real inclusivity looks like, someday in the future, maybe June is just June. 

Is there anything else you’d like to share? 

M: Pride exists because of Black trans women. Statistically, Black trans women face the most violence in our community. Black trans activists are the reason the rest of us in the LGBTQIA+ community have a home base. It can only truly be a home base if we all belong to each other. We are not all the same, but we are united.  

Reproductive healthcare exists not just for people who can get pregnant, but it affects all other legislation related to bodily autonomy. Even if you don’t plan on having children, or you’re looking forward to starting a family, your rights affect your nonbinary and transgender peers and our ability to access care.  

Also, the LGBTQIA+ community is not immune to other forms of prejudice. There are racists among us, there are transphobes among us, there are misogynists among us. There is, unfortunately, a lot of pain that correlates to what brings each person to this community. That’s why I think the plus sign is truly the most important part of the acronym: it indicates the facets of identity that overlap with others. The plus sign affords the possibility of things we haven’t yet encountered. The plus sign is symbolic of what we don’t yet know. I am nonbinary plus white – this creates a certain dynamic of margin and privilege. This is Detroit – it follows that many in our local community are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, plus Black.  

And to anyone who feels like Pride is doing a little too much, if you don’t want to see or hear about it, if you don’t want to know all that, if you find it perverted, I don’t really care. I think that some of the capitalization, then sensation, and the hype can be toxic, so we may agree on some points. But the existence of Pride is not a threat to you. The Gay Agenda, the Trans Agenda – believe me, we’re just trying to survive. That’s the agenda.